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John Dortmunder

This page lists novels and short story collections that feature the thief John Dortmunder.

 

John Dortmunder: Novels and short story collections

The Hot Rock

Donald E. Westlake

Simon & Schuster

1970

A John Dortmunder novel.

"John Dortmunder leaves jail with ten dollars, a train ticket, and nothing to make money on but his good name. Thankfully, his reputation goes far. No one plans a caper better than Dortmunder. His friend Kelp picks him up in a stolen Cadillac and drives him away from Sing-Sing, telling a story of a $500,000 emerald that they just have to steal. Dortmunder doesn't hesitate to agree. The emerald is the crown jewel of a former British colony, lately granted independence and split into two nations: one for the Talabwo people, one for the Akinzi. The Akinzi have the stone, the Talabwo want it back, and their Un representative offers a fine payday to the men who can get it. It's not a simple heist, but after a few years in stir, Dortmunder could use the challenge."
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Bank Shot

Donald E. Westlake

Simon & Schuster

1972

A John Dortmunder novel.

"Encyclopedias are heavy, and John Dortmunder is sick of carrying them. While in between jobs, the persistent heist-planner is working an encyclopedia-selling scam that's about to blow up in his face. The cops are on their way when his friend Kelp pulls up in a stolen Oldsmobile, offering a quick escape from the law and a job that's too insane to turn down. Kelp's nephew is an FBI washout who's addicted to old-time pulp novels and adventure stories. He tried being a cop, and now he wants to be a robber. His target: a Main Street bank that has temporarily relocated to a large mobile home. Breaking in is impossible -- there are seven guards and a police station down the street -- but mobile homes were meant to be driven. Dortmunder just has to drive the bank away."
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Jimmy the Kid

Donald E. Westlake

M. Evans & Co

1974

A John Dortmunder novel.

"Kelp has a plan, and John Dortmunder knows that means trouble. His friend Kelp is a jinx, and his schemes, no matter how well intentioned, tend to spiral quickly out of control. But this one, Kelp swears, is airtight. He read it in a book. In county lock-up for a traffic charge, Kelp came across a library of trashy novels by an author named Richard Stark. The hero is a thief named Parker whose plans, unlike Kelp and Dortmunder's, always work out. In one, Parker orchestrates a kidnapping so brilliant that, Kelp thinks, it would have to work in real life. Though offended that his usual role as planner has been usurped, Dortmunder agrees to try using the novel as a blueprint. Unfortunately, what's simple on the page turns complex in real life, and there is no book to guide him through the madness he's signed on for."
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Nobody’s Perfect

Donald E. Westlake

M. Evans & Co

1977

A John Dortmunder novel.

"It would take a miracle to keep Dortmunder out of jail. Though he cased the electronics store perfectly, the cops surprised him, turning up in the alley just as he was walking out the back door, a television in each hand. Already a two-time loser, without divine intervention he faces a long stretch inside. Then God sends J. Radcliffe Stonewiler, a celebrity lawyer who gets Dortmunder off with hardly any effort at all. Stonewiler was sent by Arnold Chauncey, an art lover with a cash flow problem. He asks the thief to break into his house and make off with a valuable painting in exchange for a quarter of the insurance money. Chauncey has pulled the stunt twice before, so it must look real. He'll give Dortmunder no inside help -- a shame since, when this caper spins out of control, he'll need all the help he can get."
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Why Me

Donald E. Westlake

Viking

1983

A John Dortmunder novel.

"The Byzantine Fire is much more than a ninety-carat ruby. As a stone it's worth over a million dollars, a value vastly increased by its pure gold band - but its history makes it priceless. A ring that has been fought for with sword and pen, and passed from nation to nation by all manner of theft and trickery, it finally made its way to the United States. The US has agreed to return it to Turkey, but it's about to be stolen twice more. A gang of Greeks armed with Sten guns burst into the security room at JFK Airport and escape with the priceless stone, which they deposit in the safe at a small jeweler's shop in Queens. A few hours later, unlucky thief John Dortmunder, expecting a routine robbery, steals it again. Much blood has been shed for this little ruby, and Dortmunder's could be next."
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Good Behavior

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

1985

A John Dortmunder novel.

"It was supposed to be a simple caviar heist. Dortmunder is almost in the building when the alarm sounds, forcing him up the fire escape and onto the roof. He leaps onto the next building, smashing his ankle and landing in the den of the worst kind of creature he can imagine: nuns. Although decades removed from his Catholic orphanage, Dortmunder still trembles before the sisters' habits. But these nuns are kinder than the ones he grew up with. They bandage his wound, let him rest, and don't call the cops -- for a price. The father of the youngest member of their order, disgusted by their vow of silence, has kidnapped his daughter, locked her in a tightly guarded penthouse apartment, and is attempting to convince her to renounce her faith. The nuns ask Dortmunder to rescue the girl. It's an impossible assignment -- but one he cannot refuse."
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Drowned Hopes

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

1990

A John Dortmunder novel.

"Dortmunder's past comes back to haunt him when he returns home after an unsuccessful burglary and finds his old cellmate sitting in his living room. He needs Dortmunder's help in retrieving $700,000 that he'd buried in a small town 30 years before. The problem is that, while he sat in jail, the State of New York flooded the area to build a reservoir; the loot is now under a few feet of dirt and many feet of water. Being a man of great determination but few ethical principles, the thief plans to blow up the dam, emptying the reservoir but also flooding the inhabited countryside to get at his stash. Dortmunder pleads with him to be allowed to retrieve the money another way. His first attempt fails. And his second. And third. Meanwhile the thief is losing patience."
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Horse Laugh and Other Stories

Donald E. Westlake

Eurographica

1990

John Dortmunder short stories.

A signed limited edition comprising six short stories. The contents are:

  • Horse Laugh
  • The Girl of My Dreams
  • Breathe Deep
  • A Good Story
  • Never Shake a Family Tree
  • Too Many Crooks
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Don’t Ask

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

1993

A John Dortmunder novel.

"Dortmunder has a job offer. He's been hired by third parties to pull off heists in the past, but never to lay his hands on anything this peculiar. It is the 800 year old femur of a 16-year-old girl who who, having been killed and eaten by her own family, was made a saint by the Church. Now two European countries and the Catholic church are fighting like dogs over it. This bone, the femur of St Ferghana, is a holy relic claimed by two newly-created European nations, Tsergovia and Votskojek. The relic will be awarded to one of the two countries, which will then be admitted to the United Nations. Dortmunder and his gang are working for the Tersgovians. As usual, nothing goes according to plan. How will this free-for-all end? Don't ask."
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What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

1996

A John Dortmunder novel.

"With the planned heist of a religious relic, Dortmunder, the unluckiest criminal in the world, plunges into international diplomacy with a caper for acquiring a seat on the United Nations General Assembly. But a major fiasco proves a bone of contention and forces him to come up with Plan B. Dortmunder's lucky ring is stolen in the bungled burglary of a nasty billionaire's Long Island mansion. Now, a series of raids are planned to get the ring back -- and get even."
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Bad News

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

2001

A John Dortmunder novel.

"Andy Kelp, Tiny Bulcher and the Murches (Stan and Mom) join Dortmunder in horning in on another crew's scam cheating two Native American tribes out of one-third of the take from a lucrative Indian casino in upstate New York. Fitzroy Guilderpost, mastermind of the con, has enlisted Little Feather Redcorn, a Las Vegas card dealer and showgirl, to pose as the last living member of an extinct tribe with a claim to the casino. Unknown to the schemers, the casino managers have been cooking their books and will go to any length to avoid sharing the wealth. As the foes switch dead Indians from grave to grave, seeking to prove or deny Little Feather's tribal membership, Dortmunder plots an impossible and hilarious robbery using a blizzard as an accessory, and comes up with the usual mixed results."
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The Road to Ruin

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

2004

A John Dortmunder novel.

"The con is on. the mark is Monroe Hall, a corrupt CEO who lavished more of his company's money on himself than the boys at Enron and WorldCom combined. The loot? A fleet of vintage automobiles that would leave the Sultan of Brunei blushing. The catch? Trying to outsmart a collection of angry union men who've been taken for a ride and blue-blooded suckers who've been taken for their family fortunes. But if Dortmunder and his merry band of crooks are to drive off with the loot, they'll have to act fast - before they get caught in a deadly crossfire."
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Thieves’ Dozen

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

2004

John Dortmunder short stories.

A collection of eleven short stories. The contents are:

  • Ask a Silly Question
  • Horse Laugh
  • Too Many Crooks
  • A Midsummer Daydream
  • The Dortmunder Workout
  • Party Animal
  • Give Till It Hurts
  • Jumble Sale
  • Now What?
  • Art and Craft
  • Fugue for Felons
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Watch Your Back!

Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

2005

A John Dortmunder novel.

"It's the score of a lifetime: easy access to a lavish New York City apartment, hordes of valuables, and an absentee owner avoiding the lawyers of his unhappy ex-wives. But before they pull the job, Dortmunder's crew is startled to find their beloved gin joint, the OJ, in the clutches of the Mafia - who consider it perfect for a little fraud, courtesy of a nice big fire. For tactical and highly superstitious reasons, the fate of the OJ is ever more important to the crew than the enormous score. Now, Dortmunder and his gang are determined to split their time, fighting the mob and robbing the rich simultaneously."
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What’s So Funny?

Donald E. Westlake

Grand Central Publishing

2007

A John Dortmunder novel.

"All it takes is a few underhanded moves by a tough ex-cop named Eppick to pull Dortmunder into a game he never wanted to play. With no choice, he musters his always-game gang and they set out on a perilous treasure hunt for a long-lost gold and jewel-studded chess set once intended as a birthday gift for the last Romanov czar. Unfortunately for everyone, then and now, he became the last Romanov czar without making it to his own birthday party. From the moment Dortmunder reaches for his first pawn, he faces insurmountable odds."
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Get Real

Donald E. Westlake

Grand Central Publishing

2009

A John Dortmunder novel.

"When a TV producer convinces our roguish crook Dortmunder and his gang to star in a reality TV show that captures their next heist, being caught red-handed seems inevitable. It will take an ingenious plan to outwit viewers glued to their TV sets, but Dortmunder rises to the challenge. In this last crime novel from an undisputed master of the genre the well worn phrase 'The eyes of the nation are upon you' takes on a whole new meaning - let's hope Dortmunder doesn't get stage-fright."
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Last updated July 2018